8316018705_cbab6ef22b_o

Who Are You (Really)?

English: mask

Shelly Bullard writes:

What masks are you wearing? What I mean by this is, what are the ways you’re hiding from the world? How do you veer away from your authentic self? How do you change or alter yourself in relationships? The answers to these questions can be very telling as to why you aren’t feeling happy, complete, or fully embodied in your life.

Your mask has a lot of different names: the “false self,” the “conditioned self,” the “learned self,” the “ego.” Basically what it is is the version of you that is not authentic. We all have this version of ourselves (and some of us have many versions, one for every occasion). The fact that you have a false self is nothing to feel ashamed of. It is, however, a part of yourself that you might want to get to know; especially because happiness comes from learning how to take your mask off.

Here’s a short history of where your false self came from. We all received messages (overtly or covertly) when we were young about how to be in the world: “you should or shouldn’t be, act, feel, think” a certain way. Naturally we internalized these messages to mean that we needed to be different than who we really are to be accepted. Hence the birth of the false self (good girls, bad boys, etc etc).

Unfortunately many of us have never taken those masks off–we are still walking around as an altered version of our real selves. This causes us to feel like something is “off;” either our relationships don’t feel fulfilling or we feel a little fraudulent or incomplete. If you feel “off” in a general way it’s a good  indication that your false self has taken over. It’s time to take back the reins.

One of the most common places for a false self to appear is in romantic relationships. Why? Because romance makes us vulnerable, vulnerability makes us scared, and when we are scared we want to put our masks on! We do this for two reasons:  #1 we think that altering ourselves is a way to get people to approve of us (like when we were young) and #2 we believe that hiding behind a mask keeps us safe. Neither are actually true. Really all your mask does is make you feel distant from others. It is a protective measure that backfires in a big way; rather than helping you, it just keeps your authentic greatness hidden from the world.

Your mask is not the real you! The real you is behind all that altering and changing.  The real you is your essence, your authentic self, your SOUL. Your Soul may be hidden behind a bunch of stuff, behind the masks, but it’s there. And it’s waiting for you to make contact. Ask yourself these questions to realign with your true self:

  • Who am I really? (really, really)
  • What do I stand for?
  • What is my purpose?
  • What is my message?
  • What am I here to do? (like, on this planet type-of here!)
  • What is important to me?
  • What is my gift? What do I want to create?
  • What inspires me?
  • What do I really love?

Now live your life according to your answers! Is it always easy? No! It’s vulnerable as hell! But it’s worth it. Trust me. The fact is you are going to feel limited in your connections if you are mainly operating with a mask on. Your mask hides you–it keeps you at a distance. So in order to really start living your life, you have to start showing up in a more authentic way.

Let yourself out! Greatness does not come from hiding. You have greatness within you and it’s dying to be set free. So show the world who you are. We’re all waiting to see…

via Who Are You (Really)?.

What Your Dissatisfying Relationships Are Telling You

Shelly Bullard is one of my favorite writers at MindBodyGreen. Today she has an article written directly at me [as if she was reading my email!] that I want to share with you:

Are you seeking a relationship that will make you feel complete?

Have you been searching for love but all of your experiences seem to fall short?

Do you get excited, thinking you found “the one,” only to feel dissatisfied again shortly after the high wears off?

If so, you are reading the right article.

This is a very common experience. It’s easy to feel jaded about love if you’ve had enough experiences that haven’t turned out the way you want.

Luckily, there is a reason this keeps happening. Believe it or not, you are looking for love in all the wrong places.

The relationship you are really looking for is one with YOURSELF.

I know, you may not believe me at first. You may think that you already have the best possible relationship you can have with yourself.

However if you are constantly up against feelings such as “something is missing,” or “this isn’t good enough,” or “I’m not satisfied,” then it’s a good indication that it’s time to really start tending to the most important relationship in your life–the one you have with you.

When we don’t feel satisfied within, we project the feelings of inadequacy onto our partners and other aspects of our life. The real truth is, if it feels like something is missing in your life, then it’s probably you (thank you Robert Holden for this life-changing lesson).

Here is what is going on in this oh-so common pattern: When you seek completion (meaning you are looking to feel good about yourself–to feel at peace, in love, and whole) outside of yourself, it implies that you feel incomplete to begin with.

Unfortunately this feeling of incompletion (that lives in you) is going to follow you into whatever situation you make your way into.

Sure, when you fall in love you are going to get a glimpse of completion and love that is so divine.

But, if what drove you into the relationship in the first place was to overcome a sense of feeling incomplete, you will find that soon enough you will begin to feel incomplete within the relationship, too.

Other people don’t complete us. Only You complete You.

I know many of us have heard this before and that, in theory, we believe that it is true. But the trouble is we don’t do anything about this truth!

We keep repeating the same pattern over and over again–looking for love, for completion, for a sense of inner peace by acquiring things (especially people) outside of us.

Unfortunately nothing on the outside can ultimately change the way you feel on the inside.

This isn’t to say that relationships don’t serve a purpose. This is not true. They serve the ultimate purpose–for us to feel love.

But there are very different qualities in the type of love you feel if you are trying to complete yourself with someone else versus the type of love you feel when you are showing up to join, share, and co-create with another.

In the first relationship, you are going to feel preoccupied with everything that is missing–with all that you are not getting from the other person.

In the second, you are going to feel much more freedom to just relax and freely give your love away.

You can feel deeply satisfied in relationships with other people. In fact, you are supposed to. But (and this is a big BUT) YOU have to get right with YOU first.

I came across this quote the other day by Suzanne Falter-Barnes, and she sums it up perfectly. Here is what she said:

“There is no relationship pure enough, pristine enough, sublime enough, romantic enough, beautiful enough, fulfilling enough, spiritually attuned enough to overcome the despair you will feel when you are not connected to who you are–when you are not connected to your own heart and soul.”

For your life to feel full, YOU must feel full. For your relationships to feel satisfying, YOU must feel satisfied. Soul, depth, heart, and love all come from within. And when you tap into these parts of yourself, you start to feel them all around you.

When you feel disconnected from you, you feel disconnected from everyone around you too. This is just how it works.

So what can you do? Stop looking for the answer outside of yourself–it’s not there.

You can’t control other people. You can’t expect someone to behave in a way that feels good to you all the time. You can’t get another person’s attention 100% of the time. You can’t get a stream of pure positive love from another person all the time. You can’t.

But, you can give yourself these things. You can connect into your own heart. You can live out your desires. You can be true to who you really are, and feel fullness from within. You can live your life with depth, purpose, meaning and soul. All these things you can do. And you must, if you really want to live a life filled with joy and love.

You are who you are looking for. It’s You. Just you.

If your life doesn’t feel satisfying enough–if your relationships are falling short–stop looking for the answer on the outside and go within.

Connect into yourself. Find yourself. Be true to yourself. And when you do, you will find that the love you have been looking for has been with you all along, and that it’s here to stay.” What Your Dissatisfying Relationships Are Telling You.

Over 30 years ago, Dr. Charles Alcorn summed it upfor me like this: Don’t look without for that which you should find within”. I heard the wisdom of his words but but was unable to implement it; only now am I entering into a fulfilling relationship with my Self through Celebrate Recovery and the help of my sponsors and accountability partners. It’s not easy but it is simple and it makes all the difference in the world…

1

I won’t give up

When I look into your eyes
It’s like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well there’s so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you’ve come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up

And when you’re needing your space
To do some navigating
I’ll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

‘Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We’ve got a lot to learn
God knows we’re worth it
No, I won’t give up

I don’t wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I’m here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts
We got yeah we got a lot at stake
And in the end,
You’re still my friend at least we didn’t tend
For us to work we didn’t break, we didn’t burn
We had to learn, how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I got, and what I’m not
And who I am

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up
I’m still looking up

I won’t give up on us
God knows I’m tough, he knows
We got a lot to learn
God knows we’re worth it

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up…

 

How to Spot A Narcissist and Walk Away

medicating-menKelly O’Brien writes this:

Most of us have been in a relationship with a narcissist. Perhaps you’ve been sucked in by a self-absorbed family member, a spouse, a boyfriend, a co-worker, or a friend.

Perhaps you thought it was your fault when the narcissist left you feeling diminished and full of despair.

The truth is, your only “fault” was getting involved with the narcissist in the first place!

Learning to spot this toxic behavior before it hurts you is crucial to your health. A huge part of wellness is surrounding ourselves with healthy people and healthy relationships. If we have unhealthy relationships, we need to assess whether or not they can transform, or we must find the strength to walk away.

So, let’s talk about how to spot a narcissist and how to walk away from one.

Here Are 6 Qualities of a Narcissist:

  1. He or she rarely takes responsibility for problems and instead blames them on everyone else.
  2. The narcissist expresses little emotion, particularly during conflict with you. When you do express emotion, he or she blames you for doing so. It’s a subtle form of abuse.
  3. He or she drains you, but thrives on your energy. Consider how much energy you are expending on this relationship… my guess is that it’s your effort keeping the relationship alive. You’re most likely exhausted emotionally and physically because you do all of the planning, all of the apologizing, and all of the work to ‘fix’ what is wrong.
  4. This person is charming, often a flirt, and thinks very highly of himself.
  5. This person is irresponsible with his finances, career, drinking, and/or keeping his home in order.
  6. Jekyll & Hyde: This person is so incredibly endearing, but when you say one thing wrong, she snaps at you. You walk on eggshells wanting to do everything right.

Once you have determined that you are with a narcissist, the wisest thing to do is to walk away.

Why?

There is no reasoning with this individual. You will inevitably lose every single argument and end most conflicts thinking everything was your fault. You will end up apologizing. You will end up in counseling and you will be the one to end up losing your self-esteem.

You can avoid all of this!

Go here to learn how: How to Spot A Narcissist and Walk Away

5 Reasons Detachment Can Save Your Relationship

Jasmin Bedria writes:

When most people envision the ideal relationship, they think of engulfing, inseparable love. Being “attached at the hip” is typically an early sign that you and your new love share the ever-consuming, romantic high of a Nicholas Sparks novel.

You want to keep learning about each other, acting as sponges to the other’s every word and affection.

So, how in the world can detachment actually strengthen an intensely loving and growing relationship?

Detachment is one of the most important aspects in achieving true, profound fulfillment. Believe it or not, practicing detachment while remaining vulnerable will benefit you in remarkable ways.

Get the full story here: 5 Reasons Detachment Can Save Your Relationship

And, for me it’s one of the most difficult concepts imaginable. Sigh…

PinIt
Melody-Beattie.png

You are Loveable

Melody Beattie writes:

Even i f the most important person in your world rejects you, you are still real, and you are still okay. Codependent No More

Do you ever find yourself thinking: How could anyone possibly love me? For many of us, this is a deeply ingrained belief that can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Thinking we are unlovable can sabotage our relationships with co-workers, friends, family members, and other loved ones. This belief can cause us to choose, or stay in, relation­ships that are less than we deserve because we don’t believe we deserve better. We may become desperate and cling as if a particular person was our last chance at love. We may become defensive and push people away. We may withdraw or constantly overreact.

While growing up, many of us did not receive the uncon­ditional love we deserved. Many of us were abandoned or neglected by important people in our life. We may have con­cluded that the reason we weren’t loved was because we were unlovable. Blaming ourselves is an understandable reaction, but an inappropriate one. If others couldn’t love us, or love us in ways that worked, that’s not our fault. In recovery, we’re learning to separate ourselves from the behavior of others. And we’re learning to take responsibility for our healing, regardless of the people around us.

Just as we may have believed that we’re unlovable, we can become skilled at practicing the belief that we are lovable. This new belief will improve the quality of our relationships.

It will improve our most important relationship: our rela­tionship with our self. We will be able to let others love us and become open to the love and friendship we deserve.

Today, God, help me be aware of and release any self-defeating be­liefs I have about being unlovable. Help me begin, today, to tell myself that I am lovable. Help me practice this belief until it gets into my core and manifests itself in my relationships.” via November 5: We are Loveable.

Lower Your Expectations

Live Life Quotes, Love Life Quotes, Live Life Happy

via Lower Your Expectations.