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Our aim should …

Our aim should be to not seek and chase for Love, but to BE IT. This means self-love first. True Love isn’t setting HUGE expectations on someone else that they always make you happy and fulfilled.

True Love is being so full of self-love and the Love of The Uni-verse that you have more than enough Love to hold your own darkness and light and the darkness and light of the other people. True Love is radical acceptance of yourself and the person you are in a relationship with.

Looking for someone to complete you is to deny your innate potential to be an already full and integrated being. You are giving someone else a power that only you have.

You complete YOU!

How To Be A Supportive Partner (And What You Gain As A Result)

Shelly Bullard writes:

Sometimes we fail to support our partners in becoming the best versions of the of themselves because we’re scared of what that means for us. What if he wants something I don’t want? What if her desire takes her away from me?

We fear if he learns to fly, he might fly away. So we hold our partners back, sometimes without even knowing it. This strategy always backfires – it ends up holding our relationships back, as well.

But there’s a way to feel safe enough to support your partner to fly, and why doing so will take your relationship to new heights of love.

Get the rest of the article here: How To Be A Supportive Partner (And What You Gain As A Result)

I love Shelly’s writing — always powerful and prescient! You can find more of her stuff here

 

The Secrets That Keep Happy Couples Together

Cynthia Belmer shares this:

What makes a relationship work? What can couples do to stay happy in their relationship, especially in this modern age with stress all around us?

Everyone wants to make their relationship last and everyone wants to feel loved, happy, and in harmony with their partner, but few experience it.

Harmony is about a mutual agreement of giving and receiving in the most balanced, loving and humble way, while maintaining the space needed for self-nurturing and self-love. You can realize it and live it in your relationship when you:

1. Become best friends. Understand the likes, dislikes, the fears, the pain and the gain of your partner and ask open-ended questions.

2. Explore your common vision for the future. Discuss your goals and your visions for the future. How does a great and lasting relationship look like to you? Follow through with this view and commit to realizing and nurturing it.

3. Be humble. Take responsibility of our own actions and say that you’re sorry when you mess up.

4. Be generous. Allow yourself to give with humbleness, to appreciate with love, to forgive with softness, to listen with care and to compromise while receiving your needs in return.

5. Invest in your own and constant self-growth. Follow through with your interests, your goals, your emotional needs and wants and share them with your partner.

6. Trust. Speak your truth, always and allow both of your fears to surface and share them gently together.

7. Listen and never forget. Listen very carefully to your partner and remember what interests them, what they enjoy, they dislike and most importantly, remember their stories.

8. Allow spaciousness. Give some alone time to yourself and your partner and do unique things that you enjoy and that make you feel good.

9. Get intimate. Express your love through hugging, kissing, caressing, cuddling, holding, and other forms of physical affection.

10. Have faith. Never give up on realizing the picture of a great relationship, especially when going through a big storm.

So my question to you is: If you were to make a change so you could live happily and in harmony in your relationship, what would you be doing?

via The Secrets That Keep Happy Couples Together.

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Into the great unknown…

Melody-Beattie.pngMelody Beattie writes:

“When I go into the Unknown. I immediately start making lists,” one man said.

We each respond differently to loss, letting go. and the Unknown. We may try to fill up the vacuum immediately with something else. That usually doesn’t work, at least not well.

Try to he as present as you can for what you’re going through.

Action: Protect yourself. You’re vulnerable now. Do the simple. easy things that need to be done, one task at a time, even if nothing feels completely right. Remember the basics of self-care. Eat. Sleep. Shower. Get plenty of rest. Talk to trusted friends. Express what you’re feeling at the moment the best that you can.

We may vacillate between anger, rage, guilt, and sadness when we’re letting go. And then we may go numb and nor be able to think clearly. Don’t worry about that; your ability to think clearly will return. Don’t do anything that hurts yourself or anyone else. That won’t help. It’ll make things worse. Lists may help us stay on track.

Try not to see the big picture right nom It probably hasn’t been shown to you yet.” via December 3.

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45 Characteristics of Healthy Relationships + The Secret to Applying Them

Sometimes, when I start curating content, I don’t know when to stop. In those times, only copying and pasting will suffice! Kristen Barton Cuthriell writes:

Is your relationship healthy?

Relationships take work.  Hard work.  But the rewards to having a fulfilling relationship are MANY.  Are you doing the things necessary to keep your relationship strong?  Could it be stronger?  Look for ways to improve your relationship today and everyday.

Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

  1. You can be your true self with the other.
  2. Communication is spontaneous and open.
  3. There is a balance of closeness and separateness.
  4. You are able to take responsibility for your own behaviors without blaming your partner for your actions. (Get rid of “He/she made me do it.”)
  5. You discuss and negotiate rather than fight.
  6. You feel comfortable sharing your fears and insecurities.
  7. Rules and boundaries are clear, yet flexibility exists.
  8. You don’t lie, but you also refrain from using hurtful language in the name of being brutally honest.  (Don’t say something just to be mean.)
  9. You enjoy doing things for yourself, as well as for the other.
  10. Personal growth is encouraged.
  11. You make it through rough times without splitting up or threatening divorce.
  12. You treat each other the way you would like to be treated.
  13. You have a strong sense of interdependence rather than dependency or co-dependency. (Equality within the relationship)
  14. There is play and humor in the relationship.  You have fun together.
  15. You enjoy being together, but are able to spend time alone.
  16. You do not attempt to control each other.
  17. Each is trustful of the other.
  18. Privacy is respected.
  19. You both refrain from passive-aggressive behavior. (Silent treatment, hanging up phone, being late when the other is waiting)
  20. You forgive each other for mistakes.
  21. You actively listen to the other. (Really hear what the other is saying)
  22. You both are able to apologize. (Even when you do not think you are at fault, you can be sorry that your partner is feeling hurt.)
  23. You avoid mind reading and making assumptions.  When upset you both seek clarity.
  24. You are able to validate each other- even when you disagree. (You recognize that the opinions and feelings of the other are important.)
  25. There is a balance in giving and receiving.
  26. Conflict is faced and resolved.  Avoid allowing resentment to take hold.
  27. Negotiations are fair and compromise is present.  Create win-win resolutions.
  28. Mistakes are accepted and lessons are learned.
  29. You NEVER bring up the intimate disclosures of the other when angry or arguing.  Intimate disclosures are off-limits.
  30. Humility is present.  You are able to give up always being “right.”  Don’t let your ego get in the way.
  31. You are willing to make sacrifices for the other.
  32. You speak each other’s love language even when it differs from your own.
  33. You share mutual activities and interests.
  34. You NEVER call each other names or physically assault one another.
  35. You have strong friendship.
  36. You encourage and support each other. (“I have got your back.”)
  37. In conflict, you respect your partner’s need for a time out.  (Time to calm down and think rationally before resolving an issue.)
  38. You do not expect your partner to complete you.  You are secure in your own worth and want to share your life with them.
  39. Physical contact is mutually enjoyed.
  40. Appreciate each other’s strengths and overlook each other’s idiosyncrasies.
  41. Both are open to constructive feedback.
  42. Other meaningful relationships and interests are present.
  43. You have similar values, but do not demand that the other have the same values as you. (Mutual respect exists)
  44. You are willing to take risks and be vulnerable.
  45. You avoid intentionally hurting the other because you have been hurt.  No tit for tat.  No keeping score of grievances.

The Secret to Applying Them

Focus on what you can change about yourself rather than concentrating on what your partner needs to change.  Instead of approaching your partner with a “This is what you need to work on” approach- approach them with a “this is what we need to work on approach.” Then work on yourself regardless of the actions of your partner.  You may be surprised to see what teaching by example can do for you and your relationship.

The more of these things you are doing- the healthier the relationship.  Use this list to guide your growth rather than to judge your relationship.  Just as no person is perfect, no relationship is perfect.  Rather than demanding that you or your partner be perfect, look for areas of needed growth.   See what you can do to improve the relationship with the one that you love.

Source: 45 Characteristics of Healthy Relationships + The Secret to Applying Them – Let Life in Practices

5 Reasons Detachment Can Save Your Relationship

Jasmin Bedria writes:

When most people envision the ideal relationship, they think of engulfing, inseparable love. Being “attached at the hip” is typically an early sign that you and your new love share the ever-consuming, romantic high of a Nicholas Sparks novel.

You want to keep learning about each other, acting as sponges to the other’s every word and affection.

So, how in the world can detachment actually strengthen an intensely loving and growing relationship?

Detachment is one of the most important aspects in achieving true, profound fulfillment. Believe it or not, practicing detachment while remaining vulnerable will benefit you in remarkable ways.

Get the full story here: 5 Reasons Detachment Can Save Your Relationship

And, for me it’s one of the most difficult concepts imaginable. Sigh…

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When life falls apart

Gemma Stone writes this about our mutual friend Farhana Dhalla:

Sometimes a crisis is a summons to reconfigure our entire lives.

Even though we are resilient creatures, we are still easily hurt. There are times when living hurts. A lot.

There is purpose in pain; often life falls apart exactly when it needs to be rebuilt.

Our stories become burdensome & false.

Our defenses become exhausting & crumble.

When we are no longer able to maintain the stories and defenses that protect us, we can easily dissolve to bits.

When our lives fall apart, it’s the perfect opportunity to build something newer, truer, fuller.

When Farhana’s life crumbled, she used it as a catalyst for transformation. She courageously ventured within herself, found truth, and emerged glowing with love and light.

And that is why I rely on to her to pull me along when I’m dragging my feet and to shine some light when all I see is darkness.

Thank You for Leaving Me is being released today. Farhana’s story is a heartfelt, refreshingly real account of her journey through divorce.

If you’re moving through the end of a relationship, struggling with heartache, or questioning your relationship patterns, I’m confident this book will be helpful. If you’re hesitant, check out this video. If this sounds like the medicine you need, head over here to pick up her book.

Source: {gems} when life falls apart | Gemma Stone

Kudos, Farhana! For the book and a life well lived in the face of overwhelming hardship…

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Accepting love…

Melody Beattie write:

Many of us have worked too hard to make relationships work; sometimes those relationships didn’t have a chance because the other person was unavailable or refused to participate.

To compensate for the other person’s unavailability, we worked too hard. We may have done all or most of the work. This may mask the situation for a while, but we usually get tired. Then, when we stop doing all the work, we notice there is no relationship, or we’re so tired we don’t care.

Doing all the work in a relationship is not loving, giving, or caring. It is self-defeating and relationship defeating. It creates the illusion of a relationship when in fact there may be no relationship. It enables the other person to be irresponsible for his or her share. Because that does not meet our needs, we ultimately feel victimized.

In our best relationships, we all have temporary periods where one person participates more than the other. This is normal. But as a permanent way of participating in relationships, it leaves us feeling tired, worn out, needy, and angry.’

We can learn to participate a reasonable amount, and then let the relationship find it’s own life. Are we doing all the calling? Are we doing all the initiating? Are we doing all the giving? Are we the one talking about feelings and striving for intimacy?

Are we doing all the waiting, the hoping, and the work?

We can let go. If the relationship is meant to be, it will be, and it will become what it is meant to be. We do not help that process by trying to control it. We do not help the other person, the relationship, or ourselves by trying to force it or by doing all the work.

Let it be. Wait and see. Stop worrying about making it happen. See what happens and strive to understand if that is what you want.

Today, I will stop doing all the work in my relationships. I will give myself and the other person the gift of requiring both people to participate. I will accept the natural level my relationships reach when I do my share and allow the other person to choose what his or her share will be. I can trust my relationships to reach their own level. I do not have to do all the work; I need only do my share.” Source: Just For Today Meditations – Maintaining A Life

Questions? Feedback?

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Revenge

Melody Beattie writes:

No matter how long we’ve been recovering, no matter how solid our spiritual ground, we may still feel an overwhelming desire at times to punish, or get even, with another person.

We want revenge.

We want to see the other person hurt the way he or she has hurt us. We want to see life deal that person just rewards. In fact, we would like to help life out.

Those are normal feelings, but we do not have to act on them. These feelings are part of our anger but it’s not our job to deal justice.

We can allow ourselves to feel the anger. It is helpful to go one step deeper and let ourselves feel the other feelings – the hurt, the pain, the anguish. But our goal is to release the feelings, and be finished with them.

We can hold the other person accountable. We can hold the other person responsible. But it is not our responsibility to be judge and jury. Actively seeking revenge will not help us. It will block us and hold us back.

Walk away. Stop playing the game. Unhook. Learn your lesson. Thank the other person for having taught you something valuable. And be finished with it. Put it behind, with the lesson intact.

Acceptance helps. So does forgiveness – not the kind that invites that person to use us again, but a forgiveness that releases the other person and sets him or her free to walk a separate path, while releasing our anger and resentments. That sets us free to walk our own path.

Today, I will be as angry as I need to be, with a goal of finishing my business with others. Once I have released my hurt and anger, I will strive for healthy forgiveness – forgiveness with boundaries. I understand that boundaries, coupled with forgiveness and compassion, will move me forward.” via Just For Today Meditations – Daily Recovery Readings – September 16, 2012.