Tag Archives: Family

10 Ways to Overcome a Painful Past

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Cover of "The Road Less Travelled (Arrow ...

Cover of The Road Less Travelled (Arrow New-Age)

This is so good…

Author Scott Peck opens his classic book “The Road Less Travelled” with the following phrase: “Life is difficult.”  The line works because it is so true. Life is not easy, yes – but it’s especially not easy if we don’t, or won’t, or can’t move through that truth and then on into the light.

But moving on requires more than simply getting a shovel and burying the past.  And men, I think we all can agree, are typically fairly handy when it comes to using that particular shovel. We’d simply rather not talk about it, and that turns out to be the very worst we can do.

A hurtful past may include a failed marriage, Vietnam, bullying in school, abusive parents, poverty, discrimination, disappointment, bankruptcy, the loss of a parent – or a combination of events. Whatever the hurt, a way forward is always possible if we’re willing to take a few simple steps.

All Pro Dad recommends starting with this list, 10 ways to overcome a hurtful past…

Source: 10 Ways to Overcome a Painful Past | All Pro Dad

Go to the source for the 10 ways…

Family issues

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English: Lorenz family members.

Image via Wikipedia

We can draw a healthy line, a healthy boundary, between ourselves and our nuclear family. We can separate ourselves from their issues. Some of us may have family members who are addicted to alcohol and other drugs and who are not in recovery from their addiction. Some of us may have family members who have unresolved codependency issues. Family members may be addicted to misery, pain, suffering, martyrdom, and victimization. We may have family members who have unresolved abuse issues or unresolved family of origin issues. We may have family members who are addicted to work, eating, or sex. Our family may be completely enmeshed, or we may have a disconnected family in which the members have little contact. We may be like our family. We may love our family. But we are separate human beings with individual rights and issues. One of our primary rights is to begin feeling better and recovering, whether or not others in the family choose to do the same. We do not have to feel guilty about finding happiness and a life that works. And we do not have to take on our family’s issues as our own to be loyal and to show we love them. Often when we begin taking care of ourselves, family members will reverberate with overt and covert attempts to pull us back into the old system and roles. We do not have to go. Their attempts to pull us back are their issues. Taking care of ourselves and becoming healthy and happy does not mean we do not love them. It means we’re addressing our issues. We do not have to judge them because they have issues; nor do we have to allow them to do anything they would like to us just because they are family. We are free now, free to take care of ourselves with family members. Our freedom starts when we stop denying their issues, and politely, but assertively, hand their stuff back to them—where it belongs—and deal with our own issues. Today, I will separate myself from family members. I am a separate human being, even though I belong to a unit called a family. I have a right to my own issues and growth; my family members have a right to their issues and a right to choose where and when they will deal with these issues. I can learn to detach in love from my family members and their issues. I am willing to work through all necessary feelings in order to accomplish this.

Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (p. 5). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.

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It’s not you, it’s me: How family karma shapes your relationship

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My favorite ‘healthy’ blog of the week is called ‘Loving with Power’ and it’s hosted by my client Michele Lisenbury Christensen. Ah, you say, client! This is just another developer promoting his work. Actually, no – I helped Michele get a grip on her email and although I’m a web developer I had nothing to do with this masterpiece…

Do you ever get the feeling your partner is relating more to someone from her past – say, his mom or her big brother – than to you?  Like you do something and the reaction is out of proportion or out of sync with what you did, as if some old junk is getting triggered?  The good news is, you’re probably right – it’s more about then, and less about now.  The harder to take news?

You do it too, baby.

We’re all reacting to our families every day, even when we think it’s our partner’s actions, words, and presence we’re responding to.

“But I had a nice family!” you say.

Me, too, in so very many ways.  But whomever you grew up among, I believe you came to this planet and picked a situation to help you work on some of the rough edges in your soul, so your family doesn’t have to be drama central or a source of misery to give you “karma” or fodder for development.  They just remind you of what you came here to learn.  As does your current partner, no?

The 3 ways we make sure our karma gets triggered:

- We attract people who let us recreate these dramas
- We elicit behavior from those we’re with that, once again, makes us feel the way we hate feeling but that’s familiar
- We interpret/distort WHATEVER they do, even if it bears no resemblance, as being more of the same

And I’ll be damned if it isn’t reallllllllly compelling to think, when I’m upset with my partner Kurt, that this is a cut-and-dried issue of his, or between us… but surely NOT a dance elegantly orchestrated by my karma so as to help me wake up!  So if you find this karma junk really off-pissing, please know that I feel ya, and agree, and lovingly reiterate: it’s yours.  And it’ll persist till you open its gifts.

Do you really want it gone?

Over time, we can increase our awareness of how this “family karma” shapes our view of our partner, but we’re probably not going to get rid of it 100%.  It’s too rich a territory to utterly eradicate.  What would be the fun in that?  Eric Klein of wisdomheart.org says “the aim is to be in relationship 80% with your partner and only 20% with your past.”  I can hang with 80%, can’t you? We came to this life to heal this stuff, work it out, and release it so we don’t have to spend future lifetimes lamenting it, but staying with the process feels more important (and possible!) to me than getting it “perfect.”

Source: It’s not you, it’s me: How family karma shapes your relationship – Loving With Power

I strongly suggest you follow Michele and put her in Google Reader like I did…

10 Strategies to Help Solve Your Marriage Problems

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Many good marriages slip into crisis because we don’t or won’t believe how much work it takes to keep relationships humming at optimal levels. Another reason is a simple failure in imagination.

But – if successful courting requires commitment, hard work and imagination to pull off… then why does it surprise us when neglect hurts relationships after we walk down the aisle? She wouldn’t have married you if you took her for granted – why risk everything now?

There are many good strategies if we want to restore a problematic – or “under the weather” – marriage. All Pro Dad suggests the following 10 for men who want to get the ball rolling…

via allprodad.com

Follow the ‘via’ link if you’re interested in the 10 strategies…