Fight Fair!

“A constructive complaint looks like this: You calmly ask him not to leave his things flung around the house, not because he’s a big slob (although that may be so) but because neatness is important to you. You “own” the problem (“I’m just not comfortable when you leave your briefcase and coat on the living room couch”) and appreciate that there are other women in the world who would be happy living with someone who didn’t pick up after himself. You mention the attacks you made earlier, at a time of frustration and you apologize for them.

At a relaxed time, you invite a conversation (“Can we make a rule about where briefcases and coats are kept?”) and figure out how to compromise on your different styles. You appreciate that change occurs slowly, in fits and starts, so you praise him for moves in the right direction. After all, you couldn’t transform yourself into a person comfortable with clutter overnight. You might even conclude that it would be simpler to sweep through the house twice a day and dump all his belongings on his big armchair until he decides what to do with them, if anything.

Constructive criticism asks for a specific behavioral adjustment that honors the other person’s capacity to change. It focuses on actions, not character judgments. The “lightly served” part is especially important if you’re talking to someone who responds poorly to anger or intensity in your voice.

People can say very difficult things if they calmly present the facts with no edge in their voice. And silliness helps enormously, as when my son’s wife threatened to charge him rent if he kept putting his clothes on her desk.” via Fight Fair! | Psychology Today.

Ever heard of ‘non violent communication‘? My wife and I have been using it as a tool for over a year. It’s simple, but it’s not easy — it is, however, effective. In NVC, there are 4 components. When I have an issue I talk about:

  • What I see
  • The story that I tell myself about what I see
  • How it makes me feel [mad, sad, glad, hurt]
  • What I would like to see instead

How your partner responds is their responsibility but if you use this tactic, you will have expressed yourself in a non-violent, non shaming, non blaming way and you might actually get heard. Oh and btw, I’ve found that it works even better if you keep the decibels down…

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